I want to tell you something so you can better understand me and so that I don't have to hide behind lies or half truths anymore. I'm sorry that I've lied but this is a difficult thing for most people and especially when you're the one going through it.
We all have routines, we go through most of them every day without even thinking about them. My routines the past three months have been quite different than what most people have. This is about what those are, how I got them and the consequences of not doing more to deal with the underlying issues.
You get up in the morning and take a shower. You drive to work. You finish work and you drive home. You make dinner. You go to bed. Among many other little things, these are some of the basics that most of you go through at least a few days a week.
But this is how my days have gone: I wake up in the morning in the back of my car and drive to the gym where I take a shower. I drive to work when my anxiety doesn't trap me. I finish work and drive "home" to the same Walmart I've parked at the past three months. I eat dinner, what wont spoil in the heat and will give me something akin to a "healthy" diet. I crack the windows and curl up in the back seat of my car.
I'm homeless. I live in my car. I have a gym membership not to work out but to have a place to shower and clean up. I'm not telling you this to garner sympathy. I got myself into this situation and I trying to learn my own strength so that I can deal with things in a more healthy way.
I don't think that my anxiety is particularly strong but I know that my responses to it need to improve a lot. I will never be rid of the anxiety in my every day life but I don't have to let it control me. That's why I'm getting back on medication as well as a few other things to help control it instead of trying to hide from it.
We all have anxiety about something, for me at least it's there for everything. It's like hearing "is this how you want to look going in there?", "is that the right thing to say?", "will you ever do a good enough job?", "remember how badly this went last time?" All day about almost everything. The only time it leaves is when I'm too busy thinking about something else. Bit the moment that I slow down its back.
I've felt this way for as long as I can remember and for as long as I can remember I've hid from it in books, movies, tv and learning about anything that strikes my fancy. But again, the moment something ends or is put down it comes back.
I try to push myself to go sit at Starbucks to at least be around people instead of sitting alone all day. Or I'll make myself go dancing but I'll hide in a corner or behind my camera. Sometimes these experiences are helpful, that show me that I can do this but then sometimes they backfire and they discourage me and trap me in a feedback loop of anxiety.
I truly haven't really minded living in my car much. I wish I could stretch out instead of having my knees bent to fit in the back seat but I'd be content if I wasn't afraid all the time of just interacting with people. Some of you have talked to me and may not even know of my anxiety and very few people knew of my situation because I work hard to seem "normal" in general.
But probably the most time important thing that I need to tell you is that after next weekend I'm moving back to South Georgia to live with my grandmother so she can help me get my life back on track. So I'll be gone for 3-6 months and then I plan to return to Austin.
But I wanted you all to know because I appreciate your friendship whether it's close or not. I only made the decision or realized I was had no other choice but to move back with my grandmother today. I wish I had more time with everyone here but I will be back.